A few months ago, I was having a conversation with one of my daughters. She said, “Hey Dad, do you realize that when you get stressed your shoulders go up and you rub your fingers together?” First, I did not appreciate the observation and second, I knew that was silly and untrue. So, I quickly responded by saying, “No Way!” Then I felt my shoulders going up and looked at my fingers rubbing together in front of me. She was right and knew firsthand because she had seen it many times growing up as the source of some of my frustration. I was 60 years old and just learned something I had been missing.
Relational
I see two main reasons to keep learning what you are missing. The first is to realize when your actions or inactions are doing relational damage. I have worked with a lot of leaders who genuinely had good intentions, but their passion and habits made them less approachable and worked against them with their people.
Hearing constructive feedback can be hard to take but it is vitally needed especially if you are leading people. The Navy Admirals I have worked with all had Master Chiefs who were seasoned veterans willing to tell them how they were coming across and provide insight into the morale of their staff. You need people inside your organization and even your family who care enough to help you grow. It is also helpful to have someone on the outside without a vested interest like a mentor or coach to provide perspective.
Opportunities
The second reason to find out what you are missing is to recognize an opportunity as it presents itself and grab it before it passes you by. We should avoid rash decisions (“ready, fire, aim”) but sometimes we can get stuck in the “ready, aim, aim, aim…” mode. When you have honest input in place, you can have the confidence to make quicker decisions knowing you probably understand yourself and your situation well enough to see and capture valuable opportunities in a timely manner. Some windows are only open briefly and maybe only once so spending time regularly to receive input and think about what is going on is important.
Practical Steps
Here are some steps to knowing more and missing less:
- Create a regular cadence to receive input on how you are coming across as well as how the team is doing…you get better input by wording it “How could I get better in this area?” or “Will you help us grow by sharing any concerns you have?”
- Listen for more than just information…listen for the feeling behind it
- Get more curious…use phrases like “tell me more” and “why do you think that is”
- Grow your self-awareness…take some personality assessments
- Record your next presentation or Zoom session and watch the replay…are you conveying what you want to communicate…watch it on mute to read your body language
Next Level
If you want to take this to the next level, set aside time weekly to just sit and think. I have a client who sets aside an hour on his calendar two afternoons a week to just think. He contemplates where he is, what is going on, what seems to be next and any adjustments he needs to make to reach his current goals. The volume is up so high in our world that most of the time it is hard to think. Silence is a gift to allow you to ponder things and shift from impulsively reacting to intentionally acting.
If you are a person of faith this is a great opportunity to pray and ask to be shown what you are missing. Then spend some time just listening with a pen and notepad ready to write down things that come to mind. You will be surprised by some of the ideas that will pop up in the process.
I appreciate my daughter letting me know how I was coming across. Now when I feel my shoulders start to rise or my fingers rubbing together, I recognize I am stressed and need to step back for some perspective.
What are you missing?
