Have you ever had to deliver a hard message…to be painfully honest about how someone is coming across? Effective leaders need to be able to do this with confidence. They need to be willing to step into the mess “for such a time as this” with tough love.
Big Guys
I have had several clients who are physically imposing men. I mean really tall and stocky…like if angry they could do some real damage in more ways than one. One client, let’s call him Bill, was initially not very self-aware. He was 6 foot 4 inches and about 250 pounds. He could have played middle linebacker even at 40 years of age. He was passionate about what he did and could get really animated when excited. To top it off, he had a handlebar mustache. Everything about his appearance and demeanor was intimidating yet he was a big teddy bear…kind, generous and encouraging.
Observation
Bill knew his own intentions when communicating with his people but did not fully grasp how intimidating he could be. He wanted me to do a Working Genius Workshop for his team, so this was a great opportunity to observe Bill with his people. During the two-hour workshop, I noticed times when others winced a bit when Bill was speaking. If he stated an opinion, rarely did anyone provide any pushback or color that would have been helpful.
“Can I Be Direct?”
In our next coaching session, I decided it was time to help Bill understand the impact he was having on his team. Knowing his heart, I knew this could crush him so I led off by asking him if I could be direct. This was Step One and did a couple of things. It let Bill know that he needed to prepare himself for some potentially hard news. When he agreed it also helped him not be too offended since he had given me permission up front.
Lead With Positives
Step Two was to highlight some of the positives I had observed during the workshop. He had been very kind in the ways he affirmed his people when describing how each contributed to the team. He had also navigated well a tense moment between two of his people by helping it be constructive and healthy.
“Perhaps You Didn’t Know…”
Step Three was to say, “Perhaps you didn’t know…” before telling him the hard truth. This gave him the benefit of the doubt that he was not intentionally trying to intimidate his people. If he had been doing this on purpose, it gave him the opportunity to agree and join me in helping him not do that in the future. I first addressed the things he could not change. His sheer size was something to be more aware of when engaging with others. I encouraged him to sit down as much as possible when speaking with individuals, especially women and smaller men. Then I shifted to what he could control starting with his passion. Passion is great but he needed to know how to dial it back and be more curious. Being an open book was something he prided himself in, but it was working against him when it made him less approachable. The easiest thing he could change was his handlebar mustache. It did not make a good first impression because he appeared a bit sinister. It also did not encourage more day-to-day interaction.
Excited To Change
Bill had never thought about any of this. At first, he was devastated to know how intimidating he had been. Step Four was to help him get excited about how much better his relationships could be with some changes. Over the next few months, he began our sessions by telling me how he had been tempted to get on a soapbox but pulled back and asked a question instead. He was amazed at all the added color he was receiving which made for better decision-making. Lastly, he trimmed off the handlebars and had just a regular mustache. He got some good ribbing initially but knew it was the right thing to convey who he really was.
Pivotal Moment
We have worked on several other things to make Bill a better leader, but he points to this conversation as a pivotal moment in his career. It was not a fun one for me but was well worth the risk for Bill to be the best version of himself. Whether you are a coach, mentor or friend it comes down to how much do you really care about the other person. Bill had lived 40 years with no one caring enough to tell him these things.
Is there anyone in your world that needs some help realizing the hard truth? One last thought…you are not ready to confront someone if you are going to get any enjoyment out of it.
