“I can’t trust any of my people to tell me the truth.”
This was my first meeting with a newly appointed CEO, and he didn’t waste time getting to the point.
“I’ve spent my entire career working side-by-side with coworkers. Now suddenly I’m not doing any of the work. I’m just making decisions all day. And everyone around me is lobbying for the decision they want.”
He paused then said, “I’m pretty much alone.”
He was experiencing the old leadership adage:
It’s lonely at the top.
Why Leadership Gets Lonely
The higher you rise in leadership, the fewer people you can speak with honestly…and the fewer people who feel safe speaking honestly with you.
On the way up, there are plenty of opportunities to commiserate with coworkers and make jokes about upper management.
But once you are upper management, something changes.
You might still try to joke around but suddenly everything you say is funnier.
Or at least everyone laughs a little harder.
At the same time, the pressure increases.
You now face:
– bigger decisions
– higher expectations
– more emotions to manage
– greater consequences if you get it wrong
Many leaders spend their entire careers working toward this moment.
Then they arrive…only to discover they were never prepared for the isolation that comes with it.
And isolation is not a healthy place from which to lead.
Leaders need:
- trusted counsel
- outside perspective
- a safe sounding board
Without these, decision-making deteriorates.
Two Mistakes Leaders Make
When leaders feel this isolation, they often swing too far in one of two directions.
Mistake #1: Trying to Stay “One of the Gang”
Some leaders try to maintain the same camaraderie they had at the previous level.
They surround themselves with subordinates they treat like buddies.
The result?
People begin telling the leader what he or she wants to hear rather than what the leader needs to hear.
I often remind leaders:
Your job is not to be their friend. Your job is to be their boss.
You can absolutely be friendly.
But your team doesn’t need another friend.
They need a healthy leader.
Mistake #2: Becoming Completely Distant
Other leaders swing in the opposite direction.
They distance themselves so much that they lose touch with the people who helped them get there.
When this happens:
- morale drops
- communication shrinks
- there is no finger on the pulse of the organization
And that isolation becomes even worse.
A Better Solution: Build Your Support Mountain
The key is not avoiding loneliness.
The key is building the right support network.
In Sherpa Coaching, we call this your Support Mountain.
This is your collection of people and practices that keep you grounded when leadership pressure increases.
It has three parts.
1. Your Counsel Circle
Start by identifying people you can go to for:
- Honest feedback
- Perspective
- Advice
- Venting when necessary
This could include:
- Mentors
- Trusted peers
- Board members
- A coach
The key is that these people are:
- Available
- Honest
- Safe
Leaders need places where the truth can be spoken freely.
2. Your Leadership Listening System
Next, gather your direct reports.
Tell them that to succeed in this new role, you will need their help.
Then commit to meeting with them regularly one-on-one and ask questions like:
- What’s going well?
- What most needs improvement?
- Are there any serious threats to the company internally or externally?
- Where are the biggest opportunities right now?
- What should I start doing? Stop doing? Do more of? Do less of?
- What am I not seeing?
- Who deserves recognition that might be overlooked?
These conversations do two things:
They reduce isolation
and they increase trust.
3. Your Personal Recharge System
Finally, identify the activities that help you recharge.
Leadership is demanding. Without renewal, pressure accumulates.
Your recharge activities should be things you can do regularly, such as:
- Exercise
- Playing a sport
- Music
- Volunteering
- Small groups with shared interests
These aren’t luxuries.
They’re leadership necessities.
You Were Never Meant to Lead Alone
Leaders often feel like they are supposed to carry everything themselves.
But leadership was never meant to be a Lone Ranger role.
Healthy leaders build strong support systems around them.
Because when the pressure rises…and it will…you need people and practices that help you stay grounded.
So, here’s a question worth asking:
What does your Support Mountain look like?
