Turning 40 didn’t bother me the way people said it would.
But around that same time something happened I was not expecting…younger men started asking me to mentor them. I didn’t see that coming.
They wanted to talk about career decisions, marriage, parenting and life…real questions. And while I had mentored groups of high school guys in my twenties, I had never done anything one-on-one like this before.
Up until that point, I had always been part of mentoring groups. They were helpful but also safe. I could blend in. I could listen. I could avoid saying anything that might make me look foolish or unfinished.
The Moment
Then one day I was sitting across from a young man who was being brutally honest about some hard things he was facing. And a thought hit me: How can I expect to lead or help someone else if I’m not getting help discovering what I don’t know as well?
As I sat with that question, I realized something uncomfortable. It wasn’t busyness holding me back from finding a mentor. It wasn’t lack of access…I knew plenty of older, wiser men. It was pride.
I didn’t want to let someone close enough to point out my blind spots. I didn’t want my weaknesses named. I liked the illusion that I had things mostly figured out.
Upon more reflection I realized I had a great job but in a very volatile industry that could change overnight. I had a strong marriage, but I wasn’t bulletproof. And I also had kids approaching their teenage years…and honestly, I had no idea what I was doing. I had too much to lose not to get outside perspective.
The Search
So, I decided to find a mentor. I reached out to a man about fifteen years older than me…someone in a similar industry, someone I respected. And he told me no. He said he was uncomfortable being “over” someone else.
Now that I’ve been on both sides of mentoring relationships, that makes me a little sad. Not because he missed out on mentoring me but because mentoring itself is such a gift. It’s not a one-way street. As a mentor, I’m challenged to walk what I talk. I’m forced to stay honest. And I get the gift of hearing perspectives from younger people that sharpen me as a leader.
After being turned down, I was a little gun-shy but kept looking. A few weeks later I ran into a well-respected man I barely knew at a conference. After reintroducing myself I told him about my experience so far searching for a mentor. Our interaction was affirming enough for me to ask if he would be willing to meet. He asked a few thoughtful questions and said, “Let’s give it a try.” We met every other Sunday night at a coffee shop for over a year. I still have my notes from that time and quote him often.
Over the years, I’ve had several mentors…some formal, some informal. Every single one has shaped me in ways books and videos never could. And that’s the point. If you lead at work, at home or anywhere else, you must first lead yourself.
Put Your Mask On First
Airlines tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. Leadership works the same way. If you want to lead well, make sure you’re first leading yourself well. To do this, books matter…podcasts matter…YouTube matters. But your growth will always be limited without someone farther down the road who has lived what you are about to face. Additionally, studies show that people in the workplace being mentored are promoted five times the rate of everyone else. And that’s not all…mentors are promoted at six times the rate of everyone else.
Looking back, the greatest risk I was taking wasn’t asking someone for help. It was pretending I didn’t need it.
If you’re leading others but avoiding being led yourself, I would encourage you to reconsider.
There’s too much at stake in your work, in your family, with your integrity…to go it alone.
Put your own oxygen mask on first by leading yourself well…then lead others.
I’d love to hear of your experiences being mentored or even coached. Feel free to respond below. If you want to discuss some helpful resources in this area, just send me a message and we can connect.
