We spend a lot of time asking ourselves questions like:
What do I want to do today?
Where do I want to go this year?
What do I want to accomplish?
Those are good questions. But for personal goals, there is a far more important one we don’t ask nearly enough:
Who do I want to become?
That question goes deeper. It speaks to identity…who you are at your core…not just what you produce, but how you show up.
A mentor recently challenged me to focus less on what I do and more on who I am becoming. That conversation caused me to rethink how I set goals for this year.
When Goals Quietly Hijack Your Identity
In the past, many of my goals were outcome-based:
– How many people do I want to coach?
– How many workshops do I want to lead?
– How many online courses do I want to sell?
Those goals aren’t wrong but here’s the problem. While I can influence those outcomes, I can’t fully control them. And when I didn’t hit them, I noticed something unhealthy creeping in.
I started letting my results define me. And when the results weren’t there, the internal dialogue got harsh.
A Hard Lesson From a 30-Year Trading Career
For most of my 30-year career as a fixed income trader, I had a simple daily objective: trade ethically and profitably so I could provide for my family.
Like any trading desk, we kept score individually and collectively. That is necessary for risk management.
When markets were active, things felt great. But when activity slowed and interest rates dropped, things completely outside my control, I start noticing my self-talk on the drive home, “I suck!”
And that story affected how I showed up with my family that night.
One day, mid-drive, I stopped myself and said out loud: “Wait a minute. Did I do my best today?”
When I honestly reviewed my effort, the answer was yes. “So, if I did my best…I don’t suck.”
I went home lighter. More present. Ready to do my best again the next day. That moment changed everything.
A Better Way to Measure Yourself
I realized I needed a way to measure my day and myself that aligned with who I wanted to become and stayed within my control.
So, while I continued to work hard professionally, I added a new daily goal:
Have at least one significant conversation where I help or encourage someone.
It could be:
– the CEO on an elevator
– a salesperson in a branch
– the security guard at the front desk
And here’s the key: I could always control this.
My drive home changed. My energy changed. And if I hadn’t met the goal that day, I could still make a call before pulling into my driveway.
Identity First…Goals Second
This year, instead of starting with outcomes, I am starting with roles.
At this stage of my life:
– professionally, I’m an executive coach
– at home, I’m a husband, father, grandfather and son
– in the community, I’m a neighbor, friend and church member
Then I asked: What kind of person do I want to become in each of these roles?
From there, I set goals that support identity, not ego.
My Identity-Based Goals This Year
– Post 50 helpful videos on LinkedIn and YouTube
– Have 365 significant conversations
– Write and mail 50 handwritten notes of encouragement
I break these down into monthly, weekly and daily actions. Every one of them is controllable.
And if I do these consistently, I trust the outcomes will take care of themselves. More importantly, I’ll become a better version of the roles I care about most.
Your Turn
What are your goals this year?
Do they reflect what you want to achieve or who you want to become?
If you’re willing, share one or two below. You may give someone else permission to rethink their own goals.
And if you’d like some help shifting from outcome-based goals to identity-based growth, feel free to reach out. I’d be glad to have a conversation.
