No one wants to be labeled as “selfish.” I didn’t think I was a selfish person. Growing up with two brothers, playing sports where teamwork was emphasized and living with roommates in college had taught me about doing my part, being flexible and contributing to the group. Then I got married.
Marriage
I was in love and excited to be building a life together. But this was different from any other relationship I had ever experienced. This was not someone I was just rooming with or even dating. This was a person who I was responsible to and responsible for…forever. What we did and said impacted each other and publicly reflected on each other. This was next level accountability.
Fear
After the first few weeks, I slowly began to realize the selfish motives working behind what I did and said. This was not the result of my wife pointing anything out. She was very kind and probably extended me too much grace. This was the result of me noticing at a deeper level how truly selfish I was. Fear quickly set in that her feelings would change once she realized this about me. That is when I prayerfully determined to go to work on being more selfless. I initially thought this called for me to be humble by constantly putting myself down and lifting others up. This led to some boundary issues where I felt like a doormat.
True Humility
Then I ran across this quote by C.S. Lewis, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” By being more humble (thinking more about others), I could be more selfless by prioritizing the needs of others over my own. This was very freeing and helped decrease the false humility into which I had drifted. The shift was not too evident to others but very dramatic to me because this was how I thought. Life is less about what you are doing and much more about what you are thinking. It is about taking thoughts captive and making sure that what you dwell on is healthy. It is still a challenge even as I am many years into our marriage but using Lewis’s definition of humility helps me manage my thinking every day.
