“I don’t understand.”
My client said, “I’ve given my team everything they’ve asked for. Better pay. More flexibility. More support. Why are they still frustrated?”
The longer we talked, I noticed something.
Every time he asked me a question, he would anticipate my answer and jump in with his answer before I could finish.
It happened serval times.
An Observation
Finally, I smiled and asked, “Can I offer an observation?”
He nodded.
“You keep asking questions…but don’t wait for me to complete my answer.”
He leaned back in his chair for a moment.
Then he smiled.
“I think you just explained my team.”
That conversation reminded me that listening isn’t simply waiting for your turn to talk. Great communicators make the other person feel understood before trying to be understood themselves. And they are secure enough to let others come up with the right answer.
One of the simplest ways I’ve found to improve listening is an acronym that is easy to remember:
E.A.R.: Explore – Acknowledge – Respond
E – Explore
St. Francis said, “Grant that I may not so much seek to be understood as to understand.” That is the mindset of a great listener.
As you explore, become genuinely curious.
Pay attention not only to the facts but also to the emotions behind the words. Listen for frustration, excitement, fear, disappointment or uncertainty. Often those feelings tell you more than the actual words.
Notice your body language. Are you leaning in with an open posture, or are your arms crossed while your eyes wander around the room? If you’re at a restaurant or networking event, resist the temptation to look over someone’s shoulder to see who just walked in. Nothing says, “You don’t have my attention,” faster than distracted eyes.
If a question comes to mind, jot it down instead of interrupting. Once it’s on paper, you can stop rehearsing your response and return your attention to the speaker. There is probably more to learn.
And when someone says something you disagree with, fight the urge to defend yourself. Curiosity almost always produces a better conversation than certainty. Stay engaged long enough to fully understand before forming your opinion.
A – Acknowledge
Once they’ve finished their thought, summarize what you heard.
You might say, “So what I’m hearing is…” or “Let me make sure I understand…”
This simple habit gives the other person the opportunity to correct misunderstandings before they become conflict. And even if you disagree, they feel heard when you can restate their point of view.
Ask open-ended questions that begin with “what” or “how.” “Why” is also open-ended but can put people on the defensive.
If someone says something that catches you off guard or even feels offensive, calmly ask them to repeat it.
“Could you say that again?”
Often, simply repeating their own words causes people to rethink what they just said. They may clarify, soften their position or realize they didn’t express themselves as intended.
Don’t feel rushed. You can move back and forth between Explore and Acknowledge as many times as needed before offering your own thoughts.
R – Respond
Only after you fully understand should you respond.
One lesson I’ve learned over the years is that the strongest communicators usually use fewer words, not more. Long explanations often weaken a good point instead of strengthening it.
Proverbs reminds us: “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.”
If the conversation changes directions before you’ve had a chance to ask a question, politely raise your hand and ask for a pause.
“Hang on, Hank. Before we move to something else, can I ask a question about what you just said?”
People are usually encouraged, not annoyed, when they realize you’re making the effort to truly understand them.
Slow down when you speak. A slower pace not only makes you easier to understand, it also gives you time to adjust your words, even mid-sentence, if you sense you’ve unintentionally offended someone.
And if you’re simply catching up with a friend, think of the conversation like playing catch. No one should hold the ball for very long before throwing it back.
Over-Talkers
Of course, every now and then you’ll encounter someone who isn’t interested in a conversation…they’re looking for an audience. If that sounds familiar, I have a previous post about dealing with what I call the “Me Monster.” You can find it here: https://ballingerexecutivecoaching.com/killing-the-me-monster-dealing-with-nonstop-talkers/
Every person you meet is silently asking one question:
“Do you really care what I have to say?”
Your answers matter.
But your willingness to listen matters even more.
So, the next time someone begins to speak, remember your E.A.R.
Explore. Acknowledge. Respond.
You may discover that becoming a better listener doesn’t just improve your communication.
It strengthens your relationships, improves your leadership and builds the trust every great leader needs.
