No one sets out to become bitter, but without an internal strategy, high performers often end up carrying more than they realize.
Do you hold grudges? Name the top five people you spend the most time with at work and at home. Do you have anything against any one of them? Have you been offended recently by something they said, did or didn’t do? If so, did you address it? If not, how long do you plan to hold onto it?
The Illusion of Control
Offenses, resentments and grudges are interesting. They are used for emotional leverage…we want to make the other person pay. But do they? Or are we the ones actually paying?
The Cost
How much energy are you spending to ignore, avoid or punish the other person? A few years ago, I attended a father/daughter summer camp and heard someone say, “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy dies.” It only hurts YOU! Often, the other person isn’t even aware of their offense or even notice how you are trying to punish them.
Distraction
So, how is this hurting you? At a minimum, this is a distraction. It takes energy and attention to actively avoid someone. I have friend who is very patient, but when he gets enough of someone, he just quits acknowledging them. They are “dead to him.” But think about how much energy it takes to do this. He is spending more effort not interacting than it would take to engage and resolve.
Grudges drain your focus, which you can’t afford. Whether you are leading a team or managing a household, you need to be fully present. Bitterness is a distraction, a drain and honestly, a waste of time and energy.
It also makes you less attractive, less approachable, less effective and ultimately less healthy. It sucks the joy right out of you.
The Hidden Health Costs of Bitterness
If unaddressed, bitterness and resentment can lead to:
Chronic stress
Suppressed immune system
High blood pressure
Cardiovascular disease
Hormonal imbalance
Anxiety and depression
Isolation and poor decision-making
The Good News
All the above is ample motivation to deal with the anger, frustration and even hurt brought on by the actions of others. The good news is you have complete control. While you cannot control what others say, do or don’t do, you can control how you respond.
Emotionally Intelligent
This starts with being self-aware enough to recognize what is going on inside. It is helpful to check in with yourself to see how you are doing at regular intervals during your day. Starting your day with some quiet time of reflection and preparation is a healthy foundation. Time in the car can be captured with the radio and phone off to assess your frame of mind. Consider setting an alert on your phone at key times during your day to remind you to take a deep breath and check in.
The Tree-Day Rule
Once you identify an issue with someone, it is a great opportunity to apply the Three-Day Rule. This is where you give yourself three days to either bring it up or let it go. Sometimes things initially hack you off but with some time and perspective you realize to bring it up would be petty. This is when you extend grace and just let it go. If it continues to bother you then you must bring it up with the other person before the end of the third day. This does a few of things:
- It helps keep the issue fresh so all parties remember the details.
- It prevents a “powder keg” of ammunition from building that can lead to an overreaction in you onto the other person.
- It prevents bitterness from taking root.
You will feel much lighter, more focused and more available for what matters most. This is needed within teams, marriages, families and good friendships.
Forgive in Advance
For difficult relationships, a powerful strategy is to forgive in advance. This is like installing a pressure valve in case you are triggered. You are not expecting the worst but preparing for it just in case.
If you are a person of faith, praying for the other person’s best interest is a great way to keep your mind in the best place possible as well.
Lastly, if you have trouble figuring out what to bring up and what to let go, find someone you respect and trust to help you think it through. You benefit from the outside perspective and strengthen your support system.
Bottom Line
Short accounts make long-term influence possible. It also helps grow your workplace relationships and emotional intelligence along the way. Start applying the Three-Day Rule this week. Clear the air. Forgive early. And protect your peace so you can spend your best energy on what (and who) matters most.
Question For You:
What have you found that helps you keep short accounts?
